Friday, September 7, 2018

TRYING TO WRITE A REVIEW


I hate everything.  That’s my new mantra.  I think I need a therapist but when I get a little extra money I’m ecstatic so I’m not sure about the therapist thing.  Money is not the root of all evil and money does motherfucking buy happiness.  You know when I’m happy?  When I have money.  You know who gets a lot of money?  Therapists.  I’m over it.  I’m so frustrated with the universe right now.  Fuck.  My buddy emails me his wife needs reviews written for her book and since I’m a huge fan of her work, first reading her articles in New York Magazine (you can find her articles here: Mandys Articlesand I've read her book (UnWifeable) AND I also love supporting fellow artists,writers etc., I’m committed to doing this. 

I’m having one of those fucked up days, however, that began with me getting overwhelmed from the jump.  I awoke to the “Ripples” alarm sound from my iphone at 10:45AM and hit snooze twice.  The alarm was set in order to attend to my car moving duties, which are militant regimens of egregious alternate side parking assigned to the Brooklyn neighborhoods to generate revenue for the city (Assholes).

Boy, if you can’t get up for 11:00AM.  That’s what I was thinking this morning when I was groggy and dragging myself in my Adidas track pants and flip flops passed Nostrand Avenue down a few blocks by the late night liquor store over to my parked 03 Camry.  But you know the real me hates anybody who conforms to capitalism (aka gets up early) and particularly when said capitalists look down on night people such as the aging senile dick of an attorney that I work for.   When you go to ask a question about work, he responds with snarky sarcastic questions, “what do you think you’re supposed to respond with…” and I’m thinking I'm asking YOU for fukks sake, and also you don’t pay me enough to think and frankly I don’t give a shit. He can actually be okay, I just work really hard and burn out quick.  I digress.  Part of my frustration with today is I have some big items that I have to take care of.  Rather than just start doing one of the things, I end up shutting down with a paralysis that causes me to do nothing.  So I’m excited to write my friend’s wife’s book review because writing leads to more writing and will at least get me started on something.  Any writer will tell you there will be a million obstacles in your way before you actually sit down to write like the bathroom needs cleaning or the cat needs to be brushed or you need more coffee or whatever.  Hours of this can go on before you actually start, if at all. 

In my elation of landing this assignment, I go to get the book which I do remember seeing despite the fact that I recently moved and I don’t know where a lot of things are, except I can’t find it.  I actually go back out to my car (which is now conveniently parked across the street) because there are random boxes still in the car from the move.  I rifle through the boxes.  No book.  I go back to my apartment and start looking in weird places like the closets and in cabinets in the kitchen.  I can’t find the flipping thing and I know I saw it.  Now my mood begins to dip because this one task was going to be a catalyst into other productive things.  I can’t seem to focus lately and I’m not sure if I have ADD or ADHD or just have pure hate for things.  It could very likely be from lack of sex and/or enough creative work or just that I have a lackluster work situation.  Actually, it's a vampire blood-sucking, soul crushing day job.  It's only part-time, but still.

Why can’t I ever make enough money?  Why can’t I get work in the arts?  Any time I’ve tried to work at a gallery it seems they either want an unpaid intern or a director.  There is nothing in between.  It’s as if there never was an assistant director position ever in the universe.  The few listings I have seen require a master’s degree which is plain bullshit.  Why is everything so frustrating? 

All these thoughts barrage me in lieu of the missing book.  I start to dive into a pit of despair, but first I have a meltdown.  Then the depression hits.  My friend texts that it’s easy to get depressed.  It’s a depressing world and seems there are more douchebags than nice people and that he wants to adopt a dog and move into the woods.  This cheers me up some or at least validates the shittiness of it all.   Finally it dawns on me to ask my roommate.  I might have actually lent it to him.  Yep.  He has it.  Somewhere between the meltdown and the realization about the roommate, I stop to write this.

Sunday, August 19, 2018

SHUT UP AND LOOK GOOD


I started comedy a while ago.   A long time ago.  I was married.  It was different.  I’m a comic in New York now, I’m single, and I am having a hard time.  Well, wait a day and ask me, and I will say it’s great.  A lot of my perspective hinges on where I got on last, how much money I made this month and if my new stuff worked somewhere.  But generally, and in particular, this week, things are shitty.

I’m not a new comic, but upon moving to New York I became new again in a way, having been unfamiliar with most of what goes on in the New York comedy scene.  It’s par for the course when moving to another city.

But when I ponder my situation a little deeper, what’s frustrating for me is my gender.  There comes a time when you realize, people don’t take you seriously if you are female.  People used to say “oh you do comedy that must be so hard.”  At the time I thought they were morons for saying so.  I used to think doing comedy was great.  You go to a club and work out ideas that you’ve been banging around i.e. funny thoughts, jaunts and stabs at people that irritate you.  It’s an activity that makes all the messed up stuff in your life have a shred of meaning and you make people feel better, including yourself.  It’s symbiotic and so creative.  But in time, I began to see what those annoying people meant.  Audiences are reluctant to like female comics.  And then there’s everybody else.   

When I first moved to New York a comic at Dangerfield’s said to me, “men in the Middle East have it right…women should be covered from head to toe in a berka and kept quiet.”  The same week another comedian gave me a spot at one of the clubs.  He was actually nice to me and happy to help me out, but the next night when I didn’t text him back right away, he texted, “Are you drunk or just a retard?”  Another time, in an effort to help me assimilate in New York, a friend of mine connected me with an established comic.  Long story short, the comic asked me to three-way with him and his girlfriend.

The problem starts when you actually want to make some kind of career out of it.  If you’re just doing your “sketches” at little dives here and there, it isn’t affecting anything.  You’re not challenging the status quo.  But when you have something to say, and when you want to be compensated for your work, now you are creating a wake.  In some cases, bookers don’t respect comics of the female gender, therefore, pay them less.  It is sort of known that back in the day, a now famous female comic was paid a lot less than all of the male headliners in Boston.  No wonder she left.    

In New York, it’s competitive.  Male comics will use their yang prowess to try and intimidate people they deem as inferior, I guess in an effort to stroke their own ego.  Either that or they’ll hit on you.  They’ll insult you.  At Times Square Arts Center, one of the comics said to me “I would never put two female comics on in a row…”  He really should just be embarrassed.  They also underestimate your  intelligence.  I don’t give a fuck what skinny, loser comics who are high have to say.  They are going for the easiest target which makes me question their intelligence and just screams insecurity.  They are trying to make me feel bad.  Look frightened little boy, it’s obvious you are steeped in self-hatred and exhaustion from having to suppress so many secret homosexual urges, that your shame only elicits intense insecurity, I’m here to tell ya, the rest of society takes care of my feeling bad about myself.  Women experience this constantly with sexist, objectifying images in advertising, in conversations and inappropriate glances.  Do you think your stupid comment is upsetting?  You’re just a buffoon, who’s clearly threatened by the possibility that a female comic will steal your shitty $25 dollar spot at a dump in the theatre district.  At the time I didn't respond.  

When frustrated with standup, I used to say “I should have been a dancer,” probably because society values women by their looks.  They really want us to just shut up and look good.  We are socialized to believe that women are second class citizens.  Female comics have to work hard despite this.  I think some women are confused about where their gender fits into performing.  They dress up too much.  They dress provocatively.  A lot of skin showing.  They look like a friggen peacock.  I like George Carlin.  He dressed in all black.  Like an artist should.  If you are a singer or a stripper, then by all means, wear the dress.  I just don’t see the connection with comedy.  You see minimalist theatre and they are in all black.  They’re not stuffed in a dress, in heels with their arms showing.    Everybody acts like I’m wrong because I want to be valued for my intelligence and talent and everything but my looks.  If I felt I was good looking, I wouldn’t be doing standup in the first place and female comics who use their looks are not into the craft and probably want to be an actress.  

This is a bigger issue than I thought.  Because a baby comes out of our person, we are somehow deemed as less than?   When you see a guy comic two years in, who automatically receives more credibility from the audience than your 14 years, it’s disheartening to say the least.  side note: I did read Gloria Steinem books when I was seventeen, followed by Camile Paglia, among others.  I blocked it out for a period of time.  I think for a while I chose to look the other way, for fear that I would be miserable if I was always thinking about this.  However, now that I do standup, and I’m a lot older, there is absolutely no escaping the staunch reality of sexism and inequality.  It only magnifies with time.

People have gone out of their way after a show to say “we don’t usually like female comics, but we really liked you.”  A booker of a big club in Boston said to me while we were backstage about a comic who was on stage, “she’s not that funny but she’s nice to look at.”   

Another time in Boston a booker told me right to my face that “all these paid comics are hacky…”  He was only referring to some of the funniest comedians ever on the planet.  He also mentioned my then husband.  Why would you say that to someone’s wife?  Was I supposed to be impressed by a guy who never paid comics upstairs from a Chinese restaurant?  Maybe people just think that my entire gender is dumb. 

[The word cunt doesn’t offend me at all.
Most of the time when I use it, I’m referring to a man]
-Tweet from me:  @stacykendro

Often society’s message is we’re just arm candy.  How quaint.  A large part of being female (and this is deep in the psyche of most women) is the need to ingratiate yourself to people.  That’s the hard part – being so dam agreeable.  We are socialized to make others feel comfortable, which means if you are a jerk to me, I will smile.  Sometimes, that is the thing for someone with manners to do.  However, don’t mistake my politeness for passivity.  Now I’m talking about New York.  In an effort to take the high road, or to make you believe you didn’t really get to me, I might not retaliate right away.  But just know that I’m Albanian.  I will be planning your demise.  Well, at least I will go home and write about you, but take heed because if you catch me on a bad day, who knows.  Even though “vendetta” is an Italian word, just ask people in the Bronx and they’ll tell you which nationality is scarier.

originally published 12/10/17

Monday, August 6, 2018

THE BABUSHKAS (Astoria, NY)


This blog is dedicated to how I got out from doing HARD time for killing a Jihad Macedonian whore. <--- I didn’t do that but man I wish I did. I had a hostile roommate that had mental problems.  She and the other roommate fought viciously for six months about counter space.  I stayed out of it.  She eventually turned her irate angst in my direction.  After I told her “F U” it was silent hostility until I moved out.  She used to leave her bloody tissues in the toilet and left a sinkful of dirty dishes every day, just to name a few things she did around the apartment.  I nicknamed her Jihad.  She was a diminutive little peasant who is frightening without makeup and is the spawn of mountain people from a country that was formerly who gives a shit.  It was Macedonia.  She was a short swarthy little troll.  I didn't ice her, instead I moved to the other side of Astoria.  

I moved ALL OF MY SHIT into a 2 bedroom.  Finally (I thought to myself with naiive excitement)   I will have time alone !!!  The new housemate is not home many weekends !!!  This is going to be amazing !!!    I was ecstatic.  I had agreed to live with one, but ah, New York with its tramps that are always out to hustle you.  Even the most well-intended  people utterly just want to swindle you.  Alas, after a week or so, it was evident, the friend lives there too.  They were from Ajebejian (I just say Russian).  So I not only live with one, but two sluts ! yes! Two Babushkas !  It’s made me so crazy that yes! Now I make exclamations like the count! Yes! Five! F I V E breakdowns! (ah-ah-ah!)   You learn the swindle thing with time.  I’m a tough broad, but I have honor, somewhat.  I don’t stiff bartenders.  I let women walk first in a crowded store.  I’m relatively considerate.  I genuinely get pleasure out of helping people and I think it’s important to treat people with respect.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m Albanian, I’m not saying your body might end up in a box in pieces, but I’m not saying it won’t.  Jihad almost did.  But  New York wants to kill you, as my friend Momoh explained so eloquently to me at New York Comedy Club.  He's right.  It wants to stab you with a stake like Frankenstein (or is that Dracula?).  New York wants to rob you of the essence that made you want to be an artist in the first place..  Om mani padme hum, Om mani padme hum.

The Babushkas are out in the kitchen (on the other side of my bedroom door) speaking their hybrid Farci whatever the hell they speak.  So they’re speaking about God knows what in their potato language, all the while possessing very little regard for the fact that I pay half the rent and am on the other side of the door at 1:00 AM.

They’re not American even a little, and may I add, Americans never use the word “American.”  We just don’t.  We don’t think about it.  But people who just came here use it a lot.  They never assimilate.   The real question I should be asking myself is why the fuck am I in Queens?  Fuck.  I went backwards.*

The peasants eat root vegetables and have very little vision for their lives other than defecting to Canada which seems like a shit plan if you ask me.  One is sickly and really has the worst broken English.  She speaks as if she is on her deathbed.  I guess she has some neurological thing going on but her existence screws up what I thought was going to be a peaceful apartment situation.  Her dam Russian slut friend screwed me over.  “She’s like my sister.”  Well she’s not my sister and this was supposed to be a 2 bedroom.  That means TWO people.  Oh who cares.  But you know the friend (the sickly one, although very nice) she always wants to talk and I never know what she is saying.  “I will go.”  She never learned verb conjugation, the poor thing.  The other one (the lease-holder) is shtupping a chubby Asian in Brooklyn who has children.  How revolting it all is.  They’re lost souls, but maybe so am I.  I didn’t have the wherewithal to save enough money to begin my New York time with a sensible single apartment, but I’m learning that nobody really does unless you’re independently wealthy or your parents are bankrolling you. *sigh*  I don’t understand any of it.  I’ve never had a hankering for an Asian, or potatoes or anything Russian (other than vodka).  I just wanted to do comedy.

Wednesday, August 1, 2018

RANT TO A DEAD GUY


I don’t know why I’m feeling like this because you’re dead and you’ve been dead, but I’m still here on the planet and its sucks because something is wrong with me because I don’t want a boyfriend I question whether my sexuality is in flux and although women are far superior beings the bad news is I’m straight but I don’t like anyone even a little prob cuz everybody over forty is a catastrophe they say things like “cool beans” which was never hip and sometimes they have small beings that fell out of some other woman’s vatootle that hover around them who according to their Tinder profile are “their life” well your “life” smells like he soiled his trousers I can’t believe everything I’m writing to you so that you will read it from wherever you are (how strange) even though you were from the Bronx I’m very confident you went straight to heaven we met at Nicks in Boston my home club  I just thought you were so good on stage and you were covering for a comic who incidentally was in my wedding (WHAT) ya it’s weird and then you didn’t say you didn’t drink but after your set that’s what we all do in Boston, I did ask you if you’d go out with the gang and you said something that resembled a “naw” and your girlfriend walked up but it was really weird because we connected later anyway through Myspace (ridickballs)  Myspace? feels like centuries ago but you said hey next time you’re in New York, hit me up and I think you texted something about going to the Cellar I got really excited because my comedy career was in a holding pattern at best and New York was on my radar (to keep with the aviator themed analogy) I was just waiting to get enough money to move we hung out it was great I totes didn’t like you like you, I just thought it was cool to have a new comedy friend one time we went to the Strip.  After my divorce moving back to Boston was weird because the scene was younger douche-bro’s who started after me and not the guys that I knew from waitressing & from being around the clubs in the 90’s a New York friend was more than welcomed and I swear I didn’t like you beyond friends but you asked about my life and if I had kids and about my parents and what was I doing with comedy and then we went to get Thai food then we went to HA where we waited around forever and then I bombed in front of 4 people – I ate it so HARD we eventually went to the Cellar and I thought your shoes were weird.  I didn’t really see anybody else because you were all I could see and you had the symbols for Om Mani Padme Hum tattooed on your bicep J.C. on the your forearm and we talked about one man shows and how all comics need to explore other avenues of expression and I always thought I would write one and you did a Moth and I wanted to be with you and I couldn’t eat and I told you about my noir fascination.  You hugged Geraldo who was surprisingly humble and such a cool guy and you had to drive me back to Valley Cottage because my 82 year old aunt was worried and had made me promise I’d get back no later than midnight and although you both were puzzled at my indulging her request, the three of us went up FDR Drive and he was frantically arguing with some broad on the phone who kept hanging up on him which was making him furiously mad and we all couldn’t help but to laugh because it was crazy. Months would go by and we didn’t talk and more months and your career got big and you were travelling and I don’t recall when I took a shine to you because we lived in different states, maybe it’s cuz you were funny, then you let me crash at your place when you were away so I could look for a job and I brought your mother raw honey that I got from Amish people I’m not sure she liked it because it was the kind that’s hard in consistency because there are no chemicals so you have to put the jar in boiling water and she was nice and your dog barked a lot but then he warmed up to me and it’s weird that night you called from a tv contest show you were on and said you were losing to a dishwasher which despite it being a slam against his heritage was very funny only because you were incensed that you didn’t win.  At your bedside there was a book about Buddhism with a prologue about Asoka Maura who I had written a paper about in an ethics class in college and I knew it was a sign I asked you how you could even do a television show and you said you just have to relax more time passed and we didn’t talk and I grew bitter and eventually gave up on you. I was really hurt and disappointed because I guess its because you made my heart feel so good and I couldn’t even remember having something to look forward to you finally did call but I was away then you were going to Boston and expected me to drop everything which I did you kissed me finally after 2 years and it was amaze nostrils because it was soft and unexpected and you were a gentlemen because we held hands.  The very last text you sent me said “I can’t wait to see you.”  How cruel the world is that it took you so young.  I got that text a couple of days before you passed.  I cried for six months which I know you know because the psychic told me it’s really hard to write about you because it makes me sad I don’t cry any more but it makes all the blood go to my face and I get weird and some moisture happens around my eye area it’s like a silent intense cry, but I pretty much am dead unless I’m performing or writing I guess I could say thank you which is weird but for the writing part?  I was so mad at you for dying but it’s not like you had anything to do with leaving your body and I know you didn’t end like completely but I still have good days and some bad ones I don’t cope well with feelings any more so for now and to end this rant all I got is om mani padme hum.

originally published February 20, 2017



Wednesday, July 18, 2018

WHY DO I ALWAYS WANT TO MOVE BACK TO BOSTON?


I’m writing all this out because it helps me sort out the lunacy of being a creative person in New York.  I got weepy on the plane coming back from Florida which makes no sense (I don’t really do that).  I felt I wanted to move back to Boston.  I think that coming to New York because you’re a creative person is a great, yet terrible idea.  I think I take one step forward (just performed at the Friars Club), and three steps back (I drink more now than I ever did).

I still have this issue where I don’t want to emotionally commit to comedy. 

It’s hard to commit to anything, emotionally.  I think it’s funny (or not) that men have a hard time committing to women.  I resist committing to my career because that’s way scarier than giving someone half the house.  It’s a huge gamble.  A lot of people are doing it (in New York at any given time there is a free comedy show somewhere, several, even, on a single block). 

New York is a gamble and apparently I’m Ginger from Scorcese’s Casino cuz I’m rollin’ the dice baby.  Men don’t want to commit because it might ruin their life.  That’s the same reason I resist pushing with my career.  It’s fear.  Ah, that little bugger.  It also depends on what day you catch me on.  When I used to work Vegas twice a year, I was, in my mind, in show business for reals. 

Comedians are an interesting faction of show business, because we work the hardest and get the least respect.  We are like boxers.  We take all the risk.  We are the writer, producer, editor, performer, booking and marketing person.  So, No, your wife could not be a comedian.  No wonder I want to quit often.  But I’ve only felt that way since moving to New York so I blame the Yankees. 

We get the least respect because we are alone on stage so we get heckled sometimes, and the bookers are all frustrated performers with fickle personalities, who are just looking for an excuse not to book you.  I think I’m going to a Met game.

When I got booked in Vegas, I worked at the Riviera.  You got a pink hotel room overlooking the pool and comped dinners.  Let me tell you something, two shows a night for seven days, I woulda ate Chef Boy Ardee, I was so happy.  But the reality of a day job is enough to make you want to die by some epic, old school way like consumption or sticking your head in an oven.

This double life is what is getting to me.  (And I sort of get fired a lot).  I come back to the day job after Vegas, back to the meaninglessness and futility of it all, and it’s hard to take.  No wonder I drink too much.  It’s all garbage.  That is why I cried on the plane.  First of all, I am a New Englander.  Being in the 80 degree weather of Florida in December and then parting from it is reason enough, but as I find I am scrawling this out in an airport, I’m thinking there are other reasons as well.

Everybody who is in the arts, specifically in New York City has this feeling I suspect – even if you’re crying, wanting to quit, fearing failure and/or fearing success).  But there is something that we're getting as payoff.  I suspect that it is the satisfaction that we are forging our own way in a city that many don't have the balls to move to, never mind navigate the pot hole laden thoroughfares.  New York demands the best out of an artist.  That is a good thing.  It requires an amalgam into what we aspire to.  We have to grow into that person which requires shedding old parts of ourselves.  Ultimately it’s what we want.  We want to be changed.  We just didn’t know it was going to be this hard.

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Apartment Ad_Seeking Another Pterodactyl


When I committed to make the move to New York, it seemed evident that I may never get there unless I do the roommate thing, particularly because I didn’t have a job.  It’s something you can only understand if your conviction to prioritize creative projects i.e. writing and painting and you're trying to do said projects anywhere near Manhattan.  However, clearly, I need something else to write about and this roommate shit is pure lunacy.

But for the sake of accuracy, I will refer to them as the pterodactyls. 


A couple of months after moving in, the Jihad pterodactyl began penning hostile sticky notes, and donning a general sense of bitchiness and anger.  I'm not calling her Jihad out of a need to racially profile.  Rather, I get a sense that her insatiable inflammatory rage and dark features together suggest she could secure large amounts of dynamite up her vacuous, sea urchin-like vagina.  She and the other pterodactyl fought bitterly over kitchen counter territory.  They fought for months.  Then Jihad grew mad that she didn’t get a particular shelf in the kitchen.  She kept telling me to move my stuff and when I refused, she made the apartment un-livable with hostility via slamming doors, bolting through the apartment like a psycho and never speaking.  Refusing to pay the full amount of electric bill became her act of vindictiveness and then she never did her dishes.  I called her a twat, told her to go fuck herself and suggested she stop withholding her dish washing capabilities.

Eventually the (first) pterodactyl moved out, leaving me and the Jihad pterodactyl to roommate seek.  Jihad is a programmer, and I’ve been told that that explains a lot about her rigid personality.  Seeking a new roommate became an abundant opportunity for the control freak to rear its ugly head and then inevitably enable her to complain that she did all the work.  She posted an ad and proceeded to manage the schedule like an anal retentive, militant tyrant. Der Fuhrer himself would have been proud. 


One of the downsides of this mission is that we actually had to communicate.  We went back and forth about the schedule.  This is someone who does not compromise and legit has to get her way.  This person does not know how to speak to other human beings with respect.  I’m a comic, so the word cunt first of all doesn’t bother me, and is frankly not offensive enough for me to describe her.  Also I’m from Boston.  I was having a tremendous amount of difficulty NOT smashing her face into a wall.  I was still sleeping at night but my eye had begun to twitch. 


I awoke to the sound of boots on the tiled kitchen floor.  It’s bad enough that Isis (one of many nicknames for the lizard) had scheduled a cavalcade of pterodactyl replacements to interview spanning from 12:30PM to 4:30PM, but who wears boots on a Sunday?  (This bitch).  I emerged out of my restless slumber at noon to put coffee on, only to see Muhammad Incarnate going back and forth to the bathroom doing her makeup and clad in all black.  Did somebody die?


We saw several girls who timidly walked through the apartment studying camel jockey and I.  I barely got a word in, because Hitler was busy doing all of the talking.  Her irritability was bursting at the seams and was clearly on display for the would-be subletters.  During one interview, I said a few things about the apartment, cutting off the Mediterranean whore, because otherwise I would just stand there mute. 


After they all left, the Black Widow asks if I am available to see more at 8:00 o’clock.  I tell her I believe we have seen enough for one day.  She angrily snaps back “well if you’re going to be here anyway then what does it matter?”   It’s actually easier to be pleasant with people you live with but for some reason, this is just not my year.


This is why she needs to be thrown from a helicopter.  My protests to try and condense the interview process had been all for naught because she is a rigid, fear-ridden, slut who deserves to be deported.  I’m surprised in all her inflexibility, that Blackbeard hasn’t yet had high blood pressure.  I also find it somewhat baffling that in the ad listing description, she put “easy going.”  I’m convinced that she just copied that from another ad.  I finally told her to just pick whoever she wanted.  And a few months later, I moved out.




Saturday, February 17, 2018

DEAD INSIDE/Rob the Mob

The only upside of getting sick is movie watching.  I seldom read when I’m ill.  Although I love reading, somehow when I have the flu or whatever, I afford myself the luxury of binge watching.  It is something I never do because my television isn’t hooked up and because I like to do creative things with my free time, oh ya and I’m weird.

At any rate, I watched this movie about a tough guy.  Tough guy is different than Bad boy.  I grew up in the 80’s where “bad boy” meant a metal or a rock guy with fucked up hair who drank & drugged.  Not my type.  I had rough boyfriends who always had weapons tucked away in various locations and had dubious ways of making money and dangerous friends, but never did I date a guy who listened to Metal.

In the movie, the guy gets out of prison.  His girlfriend picks him up.  They’re young-ish.  They get drunk, they have sex.  Next, he hashes out a heist.  They’re in love.  They’re in Queens.  They smoke a lot.  He gets a gun and they drive their giant Chevy Impala and act out their plan of holding up mafia social clubs in the neighborhood because he figures out that they have a lot of cash lying around these joints.

In act three, he looks at her and says “Florida is nice.  We should go there.  Marry me.”  This is the point of the movie where a girl tears up.  Me=nothing.  Nothing happened.  No moisture developed in either eye socket.  Doesn’t matter if you’re a broad from Boston or not.  There’s nothing like when a man softens enough to say that.  And these were great actors.  I mean they nailed this scene.  He is brutally handsome and the camera loves his face.  She is unconventionally pretty in a down to earth way.  She said yes.  I should have been balling.

But, nothing.  Am I dead inside ?

I had this marriage that ended badly.  I’ve learned over time, you can’t hold on to how you wish things could be.  (I used to have a line in my act, “I just want to go to my gay boyfriend’s house, listen to Peggy Lee and cry over what could have been.”  These days I'm less fag hag, more John Goodman.

Now that I’m older I see how you can’t long for the you that was lost in that time period, that elusive "you" that you can’t get back.  BUT, I’m also stuck.  I’m not dating.  It’s like I’m blocked.  Like a giant black box is covering my heart completely. 
I can’t help feeling there is something missing.  As if there is some seed within me that hasn’t been cooked yet that needs time before I am ready, really ready, to address the black box.  I sort of hate personal growth, gurus and motivational speakers.  I hate shrinks, I hate mediation and I hate the notion that we all need “fixing.”  Shrinks I hate because at the end of a session you feel awful and then you go, “here’s a hundred bucks.” 
Maybe it’s exactly what I need though.  Life is nothing if it isn’t paradox.  

I used to cry at episodes of Mad About You.  That was the young me.  It was a really well written sitcom about a married couple where they respectively resolved all the dilemmas that plagued their lives in under twenty minutes.  Not really sure why that did it for me, but it did.  I didn’t even cry at Casablanca (because boo hoo he’s gonna die). <--- that makes me seem shallow and vacuous, but I think romance like that plain doesn’t exist.   

Maybe I’m not dead inside but the old self in me is dying.  Am I headed for a re-birth?