Here’s what being in denial that you are in your forties is about. I have an extreme aversion to the opposite sex and I have two unsuccessful half careers. (I’m being dramatic) (and then there’s office gigs - Oh, the humanity!) All this while I’m spiraling towards a narrow margin where people feel compelled to comment about my reproductive functionality, “well, you still have time to have a baby,” which is downright impolite, never mind implausible.
What is also happening is that I’m beginning to loosen the grip some. Who knew? Getting older has wisdom? No kidding. Trying to manage a creative career can be maddening. I also just up and moved to New York City. I always like to make things complicated. My life consists of doing standup gigs, often travelling for them on the weekends. I will do some writing and go do a set somewhere a couple of nights during the week. At times, I also work an awful full-time job, so my schedule can be grueling. I’m also a visual artist, but lately, I almost never have time and I currently have no studio to make art (the other half career).
I said to myself “for reals I’m out” which translates roughly to “I want to quit.” Actually, I had arrived at this conclusion as a result of wanting to rid myself of worrying about money, and to live in a nicer apartment. So I entertained the idea of letting go. It’s not performing that is difficult. The “grind” is working some job that takes up all of your energy, and then writing and performing anyway.
I emotionally gave up comedy because I wanted to see what it would feel like. I wanted to just live life for a minute and avoid furiously trying to stay relevant. What I noticed is work floods in. When you’re not frantic and trying so hard, it puts you in the space to step aside and allow the universe to do its thing. This new found detachment also allowed me to be freer on stage.
I can’t really fool myself. I’ll never give it up. But in my false quitting, I noticed that finding contentment with exactly where you are has a lot of power.
It’s not evident whether my uterus will be all for naught. I can’t seem to get the online dating thing to have significance, particularly because, gross. But, perhaps when I am in the right state of mind, I will consider a relationship. As far as my half careers go, I don’t really have an answer. Writing, performing and making art are really just about doing it. Living in New York makes me scoff at such liberties because it is so expensive. I’m telling you, I was born in the wrong era. I would have been perfectly happy being a mafia moll with a tommy gun.