Here’s
what being in denial that you are in your forties is about. I have an extreme aversion to the opposite
sex and I have two unsuccessful half careers.
(I’m being dramatic) (and then there’s office gigs - Oh, the
humanity!) All this while I’m spiraling
towards a narrow margin where people feel compelled to comment about my
reproductive functionality, “well, you still have time to have a baby,” which
is downright impolite, never mind implausible.
What
is also happening is that I’m beginning to loosen the grip some. Who knew?
Getting older has wisdom? No
kidding. Trying to manage a creative
career can be maddening. I also just up
and moved to New York City. I always
like to make things complicated. My life
consists of doing standup gigs, often travelling for them on the weekends. I will do some writing and go do a set
somewhere a couple of nights during the week.
At times, I also work an awful full-time job, so my
schedule can be grueling. I’m also a
visual artist, but lately, I almost never have time and I currently have no
studio to make art (the other half career).
I
said to myself “for reals I’m out” which translates roughly to “I want to
quit.” Actually, I had arrived at this
conclusion as a result of wanting to rid myself of worrying about money, and to
live in a nicer apartment. So I
entertained the idea of letting go. It’s
not performing that is difficult. The
“grind” is working some job that takes up all of your energy, and then writing
and performing anyway.
I
emotionally gave up comedy because I wanted to see what it would feel
like. I wanted to just live life for a
minute and avoid furiously trying to stay relevant. What I noticed is work floods in. When you’re not frantic and trying so hard,
it puts you in the space to step aside and allow
the universe to do its thing. This new
found detachment also allowed me to be freer on stage.
I
can’t really fool myself. I’ll never
give it up. But in my false quitting, I
noticed that finding contentment with exactly where you are has a lot of power.
It’s
not evident whether my uterus will be all for naught. I can’t seem to get the online dating thing
to have significance, particularly because, gross. But, perhaps when I am in the right state of
mind, I will consider a relationship. As far as my half careers go, I don’t really
have an answer. Writing, performing and making
art are really just about doing it.
Living in New York makes me scoff at such liberties because it is so
expensive. I’m telling you, I was born
in the wrong era. I would have been
perfectly happy being a mafia moll with a tommy gun.
