I
don’t know why I’m feeling like this because you’re dead and you’ve been dead, but I’m still here on the
planet and its sucks because something is wrong with me because I don’t want a
boyfriend I question whether my sexuality is in flux and although women are far
superior beings the bad news is I’m straight but I don’t like anyone even a
little prob cuz everybody over forty is a catastrophe they say things like “cool
beans” which was never hip and sometimes they have small beings that fell out
of some other woman’s vatootle that hover around them who according to their
Tinder profile are “their life” well your “life” smells like he soiled his
trousers I can’t believe everything I’m writing to you so that you will read it
from wherever you are (how strange) even though you were from the Bronx I’m very
confident you went straight to heaven we met at Nicks in Boston my home club I just thought you were so good on stage and
you were covering for a comic who incidentally was in my wedding (WHAT) ya it’s
weird and then you didn’t say you didn’t drink but after your set that’s what
we all do in Boston, I did ask you if you’d go out with the gang and you said
something that resembled a “naw” and your girlfriend walked up but it was
really weird because we connected later anyway through Myspace (ridickballs) Myspace? feels like centuries ago but you
said hey next time you’re in New York, hit me up and I think you texted
something about going to the Cellar I got really excited because my comedy
career was in a holding pattern at best and New York was on my radar (to keep
with the aviator themed analogy) I was just waiting to get enough money to move
we hung out it was great I totes didn’t like
you like you, I just thought it was cool to have a new comedy friend one
time we went to the Strip. After my
divorce moving back to Boston was weird because the scene was younger douche-bro’s
who started after me and not the guys that I knew from waitressing & from
being around the clubs in the 90’s a New York friend was more than welcomed and
I swear I didn’t like you beyond friends but you asked about my life and if I
had kids and about my parents and what was I doing with comedy and then we went
to get Thai food then we went to HA where we waited around forever and then I
bombed in front of 4 people – I ate it so HARD we eventually went to the Cellar
and I thought your shoes were weird. I
didn’t really see anybody else because you were all I could see and you had the
symbols for Om Mani Padme Hum tattooed on your bicep J.C. on the your forearm
and we talked about one man shows and how all comics need to explore other
avenues of expression and I always thought I would write one and you did a Moth
and I wanted to be with you and I couldn’t eat and I told you about my noir
fascination. You hugged Geraldo who was surprisingly
humble and such a cool guy and you had to drive me back to Valley Cottage because
my 82 year old aunt was worried and had made me promise I’d get back no later
than midnight and although you both were puzzled at my indulging her request, the
three of us went up FDR Drive and he was frantically arguing with some broad on
the phone who kept hanging up on him which was making him furiously mad and we
all couldn’t help but to laugh because it was crazy. Months would go by and we
didn’t talk and more months and your career got big and you were travelling and
I don’t recall when I took a shine to you because we lived in different states,
maybe it’s cuz you were funny, then you let me crash at your place when you
were away so I could look for a job and I brought your mother raw honey that I
got from Amish people I’m not sure she liked it because it was the kind that’s
hard in consistency because there are no chemicals so you have to put the jar
in boiling water and she was nice and your dog barked a lot but then he warmed
up to me and it’s weird that night you called from a tv contest show you were
on and said you were losing to a dishwasher which despite it being a slam
against his heritage was very funny only because you were incensed that you
didn’t win. At your bedside there was a
book about Buddhism with a prologue about Asoka Maura who I had written a paper
about in an ethics class in college and I knew it was a sign I asked you how
you could even do a television show and you said you just have to relax more
time passed and we didn’t talk and I grew bitter and eventually gave up on you.
I was really hurt and disappointed because I guess its because you made my
heart feel so good and I couldn’t even remember having something to look
forward to you finally did call but I was away then you were going to Boston
and expected me to drop everything which I did you kissed me finally after 2
years and it was amaze nostrils because it was soft and unexpected and you were
a gentlemen because we held hands. The
very last text you sent me said “I can’t wait to see you.” How cruel the world is that it took you so
young. I got that text a couple of days
before you passed. I cried for six
months which I know you know because the psychic told me it’s really hard to
write about you because it makes me sad I don’t cry any more but it makes all
the blood go to my face and I get weird and some moisture happens around my eye
area it’s like a silent intense cry, but I pretty much am dead unless I’m
performing or writing I guess I could say thank you which is weird but for the
writing part? I was so mad at you for
dying but it’s not like you had anything to do with leaving your body and I
know you didn’t end like completely but I still have good days and some bad
ones I don’t cope well with feelings any more so for now and to end this rant all
I got is om mani padme hum.
