This blog is dedicated to how I got out from
doing HARD time for killing a Jihad Macedonian whore. <--- I didn’t do that
but man I wish I did. I had a hostile roommate that had mental problems. She and the other roommate fought viciously
for six months about counter space. I
stayed out of it. She eventually turned
her irate angst in my direction. After I
told her “F U” it was silent hostility until I moved out. She used to leave her bloody tissues in the
toilet and left a sinkful of dirty dishes every day, just to name a few things she did
around the apartment. I nicknamed her Jihad. She was a diminutive little peasant who is
frightening without makeup and is the spawn of mountain people from a country
that was formerly who gives a shit. It was Macedonia. She was a short swarthy little troll. I didn't ice her, instead I moved to the other side of Astoria.
I moved ALL OF MY SHIT into a 2 bedroom. Finally (I thought to myself with naiive excitement) I will have time alone !!! The new housemate is not home many weekends !!! This is going
to be amazing !!! I was ecstatic. I had agreed to live with one, but ah, New
York with its tramps that are always out to hustle you. Even the most well-intended people utterly just want to swindle you. Alas, after a week or so, it was evident, the
friend lives there too. They were from
Ajebejian (I just say Russian). So I not
only live with one, but two sluts ! yes! Two Babushkas ! It’s made me so crazy that yes! Now I make
exclamations like the count! Yes! Five! F I V E breakdowns! (ah-ah-ah!) You
learn the swindle thing with time. I’m a
tough broad, but I have honor, somewhat. I
don’t stiff bartenders. I let women walk
first in a crowded store. I’m relatively
considerate. I genuinely get pleasure
out of helping people and I think it’s important to treat people with
respect. Don’t get me wrong, I’m
Albanian, I’m not saying your body might end up in a box in pieces, but I’m
not saying it won’t. Jihad almost
did. But
New York wants to kill you, as my friend Momoh explained so eloquently to me
at New York Comedy Club. He's right. It wants to
stab you with a stake like Frankenstein (or is that Dracula?). New York wants to rob you of the essence that
made you want to be an artist in the first place.. Om mani padme hum, Om mani padme hum.
The Babushkas are out in the kitchen (on the
other side of my bedroom door) speaking their hybrid Farci whatever the hell they speak. So
they’re speaking about God knows what in their potato language, all the while
possessing very little regard for the fact that I pay half the rent and am on the other side of the door at 1:00 AM.
They’re not American even a little, and may I
add, Americans never use the word “American.”
We just don’t. We don’t think
about it. But people who just came here
use it a lot. They never
assimilate. The real question I should be asking myself is
why the fuck am I in Queens? Fuck. I went backwards.*
The peasants eat root vegetables and have
very little vision for their lives other than defecting to Canada which seems
like a shit plan if you ask me. One is
sickly and really has the worst broken English.
She speaks as if she is on her deathbed.
I guess she has some neurological thing going on but her existence screws
up what I thought was going to be a peaceful apartment situation. Her dam Russian slut friend screwed me over. “She’s like my sister.” Well she’s not my sister and this was
supposed to be a 2 bedroom. That means TWO people. Oh who
cares. But you know the friend (the sickly one, although very nice) she always wants to talk and I
never know what she is saying. “I will
go.” She never learned verb conjugation,
the poor thing. The other one (the lease-holder) is
shtupping a chubby Asian in Brooklyn who has children. How revolting it all is. They’re lost souls, but maybe so am I. I didn’t have the wherewithal to save enough money
to begin my New York time with a sensible single apartment, but I’m learning
that nobody really does unless you’re independently wealthy or your parents are
bankrolling you. *sigh* I don’t
understand any of it. I’ve never had a
hankering for an Asian, or potatoes or anything Russian (other than vodka). I just wanted to do comedy.
