This blog is dedicated to how I got out from doing HARD time for killing a Jihad Macedonian whore. <--- I didn’t do that but man I wish I did. I had a hostile roommate that had mental problems. She and the other roommate fought viciously for six months about counter space. I stayed out of it. She eventually turned her irate angst in my direction. After I told her “F U” it was silent hostility until I moved out. She used to leave her bloody tissues in the toilet and left a sinkful of dirty dishes every day, just to name a few things she did around the apartment. I nicknamed her Jihad. She was a diminutive little peasant who is frightening without makeup and is the spawn of mountain people from a country that was formerly who gives a shit. It was Macedonia. She was a short swarthy little troll. I didn't ice her, instead I moved to the other side of Astoria.
I moved ALL OF MY SHIT into a 2 bedroom. Finally (I thought to myself with naiive excitement) I will have time alone !!! The new housemate is not home many weekends !!! This is going to be amazing !!! I was ecstatic. I had agreed to live with one, but ah, New York with its tramps that are always out to hustle you. Even the most well-intended people utterly just want to swindle you. Alas, after a week or so, it was evident, the friend lives there too. They were from Ajebejian (I just say Russian). So I not only live with one, but two sluts ! yes! Two Babushkas ! It’s made me so crazy that yes! Now I make exclamations like the count! Yes! Five! F I V E breakdowns! (ah-ah-ah!) You learn the swindle thing with time. I’m a tough broad, but I have honor, somewhat. I don’t stiff bartenders. I let women walk first in a crowded store. I’m relatively considerate. I genuinely get pleasure out of helping people and I think it’s important to treat people with respect. Don’t get me wrong, I’m Albanian, I’m not saying your body might end up in a box in pieces, but I’m not saying it won’t. Jihad almost did. But New York wants to kill you, as my friend Momoh explained so eloquently to me at New York Comedy Club. He's right. It wants to stab you with a stake like Frankenstein (or is that Dracula?). New York wants to rob you of the essence that made you want to be an artist in the first place.. Om mani padme hum, Om mani padme hum.
The Babushkas are out in the kitchen (on the other side of my bedroom door) speaking their hybrid Farci whatever the hell they speak. So they’re speaking about God knows what in their potato language, all the while possessing very little regard for the fact that I pay half the rent and am on the other side of the door at 1:00 AM.
They’re not American even a little, and may I add, Americans never use the word “American.” We just don’t. We don’t think about it. But people who just came here use it a lot. They never assimilate. The real question I should be asking myself is why the fuck am I in Queens? Fuck. I went backwards.*
The peasants eat root vegetables and have very little vision for their lives other than defecting to Canada which seems like a shit plan if you ask me. One is sickly and really has the worst broken English. She speaks as if she is on her deathbed. I guess she has some neurological thing going on but her existence screws up what I thought was going to be a peaceful apartment situation. Her dam Russian slut friend screwed me over. “She’s like my sister.” Well she’s not my sister and this was supposed to be a 2 bedroom. That means TWO people. Oh who cares. But you know the friend (the sickly one, although very nice) she always wants to talk and I never know what she is saying. “I will go.” She never learned verb conjugation, the poor thing. The other one (the lease-holder) is shtupping a chubby Asian in Brooklyn who has children. How revolting it all is. They’re lost souls, but maybe so am I. I didn’t have the wherewithal to save enough money to begin my New York time with a sensible single apartment, but I’m learning that nobody really does unless you’re independently wealthy or your parents are bankrolling you. *sigh* I don’t understand any of it. I’ve never had a hankering for an Asian, or potatoes or anything Russian (other than vodka). I just wanted to do comedy.