I don’t know why I’m feeling like this
because you’re dead and you’ve been
dead, but I’m still here on the planet and its sucks because something is wrong
with me because I don’t want a boyfriend I question whether my sexuality is in
flux and although women are far superior beings the bad news is I’m straight
but I don’t like anyone even a little prob cuz everybody over forty is a
catastrophe they say things like “cool beans” which was never hip and sometimes
they have small beings that fell out of some other woman’s vatootle that hover
around them who according to their Tinder profile are “their life” well your
“life” smells like he soiled his trousers I can’t believe everything I’m
writing to you so that you will read it from wherever you are (how strange)
even though you were from the Bronx I’m very confident you went straight to
heaven we met at Nicks in Boston my home club
I just thought you were so good on stage and you were covering for a
comic who incidentally was in my wedding (WHAT) ya it’s weird and then you
didn’t say you didn’t drink but after your set that’s what we all do in Boston,
I did ask you if you’d go out with the gang and you said something that
resembled a “naw” and your girlfriend walked up but it was really weird because
we connected later anyway through Myspace (ridickballs) Myspace? feels like centuries ago but you
said hey next time you’re in New York, hit me up and I think you texted
something about going to the Cellar I got really excited because my comedy
career was in a holding pattern at best and New York was on my radar (to keep
with the aviator themed analogy) I was just waiting to get enough money to move
we hung out it was great I totes didn’t like
you like you, I just thought it was cool to have a new comedy friend one
time we went to the Strip. After my
divorce moving back to Boston was weird because the scene was younger
douche-bro’s who started after me and not the guys that I knew from waitressing
& from being around the clubs in the 90’s a New York friend was more than
welcomed and I swear I didn’t like you beyond friends but you asked about my
life and if I had kids and about my parents and what was I doing with comedy
and then we went to get Thai food then we went to HA where we waited around
forever and then I bombed in front of 4 people – I ate it so HARD we eventually
went to the Cellar and I thought your shoes were weird. I didn’t really see anybody else because you
were all I could see and you had the symbols for Om Mani Padme Hum tattooed on
your bicep J.C. on the your forearm and we talked about one man shows and how
all comics need to explore other avenues of expression and I always thought I
would write one and you did a Moth and I wanted to be with you and I couldn’t
eat and I told you about my noir fascination.
You hugged Geraldo who was surprisingly humble and such a cool guy and
you had to drive me back to Valley Cottage because my 82 year old aunt was
worried and had made me promise I’d get back no later than midnight and
although you both were puzzled at my indulging her request, the three of us
went up FDR Drive and he was frantically arguing with some broad on the phone
who kept hanging up on him which was making him furiously mad and we all
couldn’t help but to laugh because it was crazy. Months would go by and we
didn’t talk and more months and your career got big and you were travelling and
I don’t recall when I took a shine to you because we lived in different states,
maybe it’s cuz you were funny, then you let me crash at your place when you were
away so I could look for a job and I brought your mother raw honey that I got
from Amish people I’m not sure she liked it because it was the kind that’s hard
in consistency because there are no chemicals so you have to put the jar in
boiling water and she was nice and your dog barked a lot but then he warmed up
to me and it’s weird that night you called from a tv contest show you were on
and said you were losing to a dishwasher which despite it being a slam against
his heritage was very funny only because you were incensed that you didn’t
win. At your bedside there was a book
about Buddhism with a prologue about Asoka Maura who I had written a paper
about in an ethics class in college and I knew it was a sign I asked you how
you could even do a television show and you said you just have to relax more
time passed and we didn’t talk and I grew bitter and eventually gave up on you.
I was really hurt and disappointed because I guess its because you made my
heart feel so good and I couldn’t even remember having something to look
forward to you finally did call but I was away then you were going to Boston
and expected me to drop everything which I did you kissed me finally after 2
years and it was amaze nostrils because it was soft and unexpected and you were
a gentlemen because we held hands. The
very last text you sent me said “I can’t wait to see you.” How cruel the world is that it took you so
young. I got that text a couple of days
before you passed. I cried for six
months which I know you know because the psychic told me it’s really hard to
write about you because it makes me sad I don’t cry any more but it makes all
the blood go to my face and I get weird and some moisture happens around my eye
area it’s like a silent intense cry, but I pretty much am dead unless I’m
performing or writing I guess I could say thank you which is weird but for the
writing part? I was so mad at you for
dying but it’s not like you had anything to do with leaving your body and I
know you didn’t end like completely but I still have good days and some bad
ones I don’t cope well with feelings any more so for now and to end this rant
all I got is om mani padme hum.
originally published February 20, 2017
