I
just read an article that pointed out that when you hate work – the minute you clock out, you don’t want to
do anything (almost in rebellion to
having to do what you didn’t want to do ALL DAY) on mere principle. My God, that is me.
After
work, a couple of nights I will go out and do a set. But I won’t write or do anything productive,
because usually what’s productive is a pain in the ass i.e. uploading or
editing video, fixing your website, logging into this – shit that non-millenials fucking hate. (By the way Google didn’t used to monopolize
on your very existence). (I hate the
computer). I’m actually a little younger
than the generation that embraces being recalcitrant to technology. Although, my father was 84 and he was far beyond
anyone I knew with computers. I mean, he was a mechanical engineer after all,
so he was wicked smart, but he also had a bunch of computers and he was on
Twitter. (Shout out to Dad in heaven!!!) But he was the exception. I digress.
What I notice is, after working in the office all day; I will do
something mindless afterwards, like organize or clean something, or go running.
When
I was in college I was good at managing time because you had to be. Now it’s as if in my free time, I’m just
trying to cope. Running, meditation and
yoga are the best coping mechanisms I have, but if I spend all of my free time
doing all that, I’ll never write. Fuck.
I
had an art studio which was the best, but in time, I couldn’t afford it. (or
have the time for it) (depressor #3).
Sorting
out the lunacy has value; (which is what this blog is revealing itself to be) maybe perspective, even. I’m only human. I need support in this ridiculous
performing/art career path. That might
be part of the problem. I have no
support. My dad is gone. I don’t have a boyfriend. Fuck I’m depressing myself even more. I thought I’d meet someone by now and that
would cement some things for me. It
would be very grounding to have a person that believes in me that you can go to
dinner with sometimes and maybe even throw a phone at once in a while.
We
would live in a big, old house in a river town like Ossining or Dobbs Ferry,
and if he were a painter, I would abandon comedy totally and be his Lee Krasner. Then, that one part of my life would be
settled and I would be in this big house in Westchester, cooking a lot for my new
husband and writing. And there would be
cats. All of this would somehow make everything
better.
I
have to fight the good fight a little more than I have been. I keep trying to find balance, that old
intangible, elusive whore.
Balance
is a good old fashioned archetype, like a fairy godmother. You have to believe in her, in order for it
to work. (I’m trying to end on a
positive note)
A
lot of us do productive stuff. I’ve been
writing a lot and that has been amaze balls.
Through writing just this blog (and writing a somewhat mediocre
sitcom/webisode with another comedian) I have come to see that being productive - in and of itself - is incredibly valuable, and it has also gotten me back in
touch with how process is a big part of being an artist. There is no instant gratification. You just have to make work (write, compose,
paint) and keep doing it. You will have
ups and downs, but it’s always moving forward and the more you let go, the more
beautiful the work will be that comes through you.
I
hope you enjoyed this article and perhaps gained some insight and validation if
you are an artist, writer, performer, dancer, musician, puppeteer or just a
regular old human.
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